I wish your heart was painted on your face, so that I knew what you were thinking

You say things to me that make me wonder if maybe there is something else out there, you tapped into something that no one else knew, something universal. In my eyes you are the only other person who knows what it is like to burn, really burn. Not burn like the flames of the fire but burn. Burn for something, for someone. And it scared me that I wasn't alone anymore.

I can listen to your breathing when it's shallowed out and you're not really focusing anymore and if I listen closely, I swear I can tell the exact moment your inhale turns to an exhale. You give me butterflies that make me breathe so hard and so fast I feel as if I'm drowning. I think maybe this is what it must feel like to drown, it scares me that one person can make me feel like this. Every one of my cells so awake I can hear the pulse of my own blood inside of me, feel every bone of my skeleton moving beneath my skin.

Sometimes i think resorting to the things I do is a bad idea. Fear like hands closing around my throat, thick fingers numbing me like cocaine and I can't breathe. I would soften at your touch, vulnerable and weak. Like flowers wilting beneath the summer heat. Somehow being around you makes me feel invisible, or maybe invincable. Sometimes it's hard to tell.

Sometimes I pray that maybe you're the sick boy I always dream about, sometimes I wish that you could be the sick boy with big sick dreams of finding a real sick girl. Because I want to be that to you and I want you to be constant to me. The only thing in my life that will always be there because the things i use as a constant now or only making things worse. At night I wake, twisting away from my sheets as if it hurts me to sleep. I search myself for wounds that don't exist, that never had. I scream bits of nooses, coffins, and bones into my pillow just because i know i will never find the cool side of the bed again.

Sometimes i wish you were there when that happened. Other times I'm glad you're not.

Other girls dream about guys with nice cars and football reputations but all I'm asking for is you. Because there's something about your lullaby eyes and the way that you make butterflies the size of cities bloom inside of me that makes me fall for you, i just can't put a name to it.

I keep telling myself that there is no way I can let myself fall for you because I would rather be lonely than sorry. But i guess that's not going to happen. I finally meet the one person in the whole entire world who makes me want to take my chances, who makes me want to see what's out there. But he's the only other person who's afraid to. The only other person who thinks maybe it isn't such a good idea. And for some reason I feel like that's taking something away from you, like I'm losing. Like it's a game or something.

Sometimes I wonder if you know that you have someone who lies awake in the middle of the night, thinking about you. Wondering where you, are what you doing. Sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks about me that way.

Your lullaby eyes have pupils that are so large and so black I feel like I'm staring into the barrel of a gun. When you look at me they pulse, like they have a life of their own. I think maybe it's good at least that you're pupils are beating, in case you heart ever stops. Sometimes I think that I take every breath to seriously. Like it could never happen to you, but it could.

To me you are the boy who I can look into your eyes and see the little dolls of my own reflection and like what I see. You are the boy whose skeleton I can see beneath his skin, the boy who makes me feel as if I'm drowning, who gives me butterflies the size of cities that could bring me to my knees. I wonder if maybe I'm the only one who feels like this, and it scares me to think that I am.

I remember dreaming that we were standing there with the sun just barely breaking over the mountains and the sun caught the water so that it looked like one big liquid raindow. I remember how the stars were out even though it wasn't dark yet, You stood there before me sweating starlight and I wondered what you would look like in the dark. I used to think that I would never meet someone who made me think this way, but now that I have I wish I never had because this feeling is so overwhelming I think maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm insane. How can hearts so young feel so much pain?

You can't stand losing and you can't bear pain, you're the boy of my dreams and I want us to beleive in time machines. I want you to be the person who makes me stop needing and wanting the things that I feel like I need and want. I wonder if you even have the power to do that. When the ground shakes and the walls around me move like stage scenery, and I think I only have ten more minutes left to live, all I can think about is spending those last ten minutes with you.

All I ever wanted you to know was that I exist. I'm here. I just wanted you to know that, but it's the one thing you can't fully comprehend. Like you're not sure if you're really alive yet. I wish your heart was painted on your face, so that I knew what you were thinking.

I feel like a puzzle, I want to be complete, to be completed. But only by the right piece. I just can't figure out which piece that is. I'm wondering if by choosing you I'll just be shoving you into a space where you don't fit. But if that's the case it makes me wonder if I even want to be completed at all.

I want to be the one that helps you hold the ceiling down. We'll shut ourselves up inside your room and hold each other right and shut the windows tight. Keep the world outside.

Meeting you opened doors for me, doors that had always been there. I just hadn't seen them before. It makes me wonder what will happen if I choose the wrong one, if it will ever even matter. I feel like I can't ever be right if I am this absolutely terrified of being wrong. So i'll trying to convince myself that you don't mean anything to me and try to keep breathing.